• forcing yourself to make eye contact during conversations

• preparing jokes or phrases ahead of time to use in conversation

• mimicking the social behavior of others

• imitating expressions and gestures

• COMMON CAUSES OF ANGER IN RELATION TO AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDERS

• Being swamped by multiple tasks or sensory stimulation

• Other people’s behavior e.g. insensitive comments, being ignored

• Having routines and order disrupted

• Difficulties with employment and relationships despite being intelligent in many areas

• Intolerance of imperfections in others

• Build up of stress.

I want to understand what is going on inside you when you lose your temper because I want to do what I can to help you control it better. And I want to protect myself from you when you feel that way. I need to do both things. Please believe me, I do not want to shame you. I do not want you to feel more guilty than you probably already feel. I want to understand what it’s like for you on the inside so I can do a better job of being helpful to both of us.

If I understand it, I’ll probably also feel less rejected by you in those moments. I don’t know if you realize that one of the reasons that your out-of-control anger hurts me so much is that it makes me feel you are completely unreachable. I actually miss you in those moments, even though I am also furious at you for what you are doing.

One of the best tactics is to take a pause before reacting. If your heart is pounding and you feel like yelling at your friend, family member or the guy who just pulled in front of you in traffic, stop. Take a breath. Count to 10. Do whatever it takes to avoid lashing out and saying or doing something you’ll regret.

Express your frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. Maybe your spouse didn’t help clean up the kitchen after you made dinner. Or your son borrowed your car and returned it with a nearly empty gas tank — again. State your concerns clearly and directly, using an "I" statement. For example, say, “I’m upset that you left me without enough gas to get to work,” or “I resent it when I work to prepare a meal and you don’t help clean up afterward.”

3. Use humor to release tension.

Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though, as it can hurt feelings and make things worse.

4. Take a timeout.

Timeouts aren't just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry.

5. Get exercise.

Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities.

6. Practice relaxation skills.

Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as "Take it easy." Yoga and meditation also are good tools to use to help you stay calm. When you're taking care of yourself, it's easier to deal with the challenges life throws your way.

7. Don't hold a grudge.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship.

Learning to control anger is a challenge at times for everyone. If changes like these aren't enough to help you control your anger, reach out to a mental health specialist for support. Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.

Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though, as it can hurt feelings and make things worse.

Timeouts aren't just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry.

Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities.

Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as "Take it easy." Yoga and meditation also are good tools to use to help you stay calm. When you're taking care of yourself, it's easier to deal with the challenges life throws your way.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship.

Learning to control anger is a challenge at times for everyone. If changes like these aren't enough to help you control your anger, reach out to a mental health specialist for support. Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.

Mindfulness isn’t just about being peaceful and loving no matter what. Unless you’re a monk who spent decades in a monastery on the brink of enlightenment, that isn’t realistic.  Moreover, this is not what mindfulness looks like. Mindfulness, simply put, is remembering to come back to the present moment.

In my example, I couldn’t stay in the moment because of the compounded stress of  my looming deadlines. Had I come back to the moment with open awareness, I would have noticed that my body’s discomfort was a signal to advocate (nicely) for my own needs. Mindfulness of the body is a wonderful way to increase awareness of when feelings start to arise, before they get a chance to take over and run the show. A mindfulness pause allows for a different experience to emerge.

When we argue, I sometimes say, we are often just “talking about the laundry.”  Laundry, in this case, is a metaphor for the surface level of a conversation. In my example, the surface level was about my husband leaving the house and I felt the tension in my chest.  My real suffering had more to do with my misperception that my space was getting out of control.  Being curious about the underlying belief or emotion in the body can lend clarity to what’s really happening.

Easier said than done, but this simply means validating your feelings. Once you have clarified what you are actually feeling, try to invite radical acceptance towards that feeling. You can comfort yourself by “seeing” your own anger or “smiling” at your own anxiety.

This challenging step can be made easier by keeping in mind that when someone expresses anger towards you, they are protecting their own vulnerability. Be curious about what vulnerability may be underlying what your partner is saying. When my husband finally snapped back in the example above, he was probably guarding his own feeling of rejection as he got shot down while making an offer to connect. As with your own, be curious about your partner/family member’s actual suffering.

In the midst of an argument, it’s often challenging to be the first to say “I’m sorry” or to speak about the real fear lies beneath all the defensiveness. With practiced mindfulness, you’ll become increasingly adept at identifying your underlying vulnerability. The more you’re willing to be vulnerable first, the more likely it is for the argument to de-escalate. Even if you’re really angry, It’s very challenging to argue against the softness and kindness of an exposed underbelly.